:: Thursday, June 19, 2008 ::

Distance, Difference, & Distress

They were sitting
They were sitting in the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious

They were sitting
They were talking in the strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water
Bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water
What ya say?
It's such
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

I remember
We were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait 'til the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna just curve away
When it's such
When it's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day
ahh...

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Now the sky could be blue
Could be grey
Without you I'm just miles away

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time
~Coldplay - Strawberry Swing

Week 1 of being here and how much it can hurt to be so close and yet so distant. Every day feels intervened by the next as though hours are mere counters to those living according to the society and for those of us who break the normal barriers we get lost in small moments to remember where and when we are. Daily i wake up and think to myself what will be different about today. Then 5 seconds later i give up on trying to move away from my normal routine. Though my routine isn't helping me, especially with so many people being guided by society how is one to find a different means to pathing. When i fall asleep i feel the demons of my life come to haunt me as if to punish me for my conscious life. Yet when i am awake i am in a never ending fight between what is right and wrong. I can say its helpful to know the distinct difference its in how you take action that determines who you will be. Distant the idea of right and wrong feel, different the outcomes will be and distressful both can be without careful consideration. Life or living? We dream to come face with our wants, needs, and problems. I want nothing and need little.

.:Posted by:me :: Thursday, June 19, 2008 [+]:.
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:: Sunday, March 16, 2008 ::

"Do i Not Bleed,Feel,Anguish,and Suffer !/?"


Hey now don't make a sound
Say hey have you heard the news today
One flag was taken down
To raise another in its place
A heavy cross you bear
A stubborn heart remains unchanged
No harm, no life, no love
No stranger singing in your name

Maybe the season
The colors change in the valley skies
Dear God I've sealed my fate
Running through hell
Heaven can wait

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead end in sight

Let's say we take this town
No king or queen of any state
Get up to shut it down
Open the streets and raise the gates
I know a wall to scale
I know a field without a name
Head on without a care
Before it's way too late

Maybe the season
The colors change in the valley skies
Oh God I've sealed my fate
Running through hell
Heaven can wait

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead end in sight

For every piece to fall in place
Forever gone without a trace
Your horizon takes its shape
No turning back, don't turn that page

Come now, I'm leaving here tonight
Come now, let's leave it all behind
Is that the price you pay
Running through hell
Heaven can wait

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead ends
~Foo Fighters- Long Road To Ruin

Having been who i am for the past few months I've noticed that most people don't like what I've become. Truth is neither do i. A lot of people have asked me what i want and what i want to accomplish. Its not like i don't know. I feel as though I'm hiding from some fate that keeps me down and if i stay mediocre then ill stay under radar. Though lately, I've started pushing for ways back into a more fulfilling life and to my amazement I've only been given grief and depression. You know you're pretty much living a hellish life when different people say the same bad virtues about you. How could one want to stay around when the people around him don't even like him. Who does he have and who does he go to. What happens when the doors have all been closed and you feel the suffocation of distress close in on you. I cant turn anywhere anymore. And everyone wonders why i just stopped living. Only to want to keep trying to live. I am definitely the cutting board upon which everyone has taken their toll on. But do i not bleed,feel,anguish, or suffer?

://ryanv2.exe

.:Posted by:me :: Sunday, March 16, 2008 [+]:.
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:: Tuesday, August 28, 2007 ::

"The Least Important Factors of Our Lives, Will Become The Most"

While finding my way back onto this right path, i've had a lot of time to think about life and just how it turned out. The title above is maybe one of the most important to myself. This may only be because i made it. The meaning of it might take a bit to understand but it you will find that it applys to everything despite if it sounds mean, sad or happy. The other thing is that this quote can work vice versa. So this is how i plan to live out life and how to judge whether or not my decisions are best fit. I need to find my way out of this lazy streak i've gotten myself into. Excitement of my life was lost but i am finding that with a push the little things i overdid are worth more at balanced amounts. Someday soon i'll find myself back 2 years to start and move forward. For now its fjc & cc in the oc while refinding me.

.:Posted by:me :: Tuesday, August 28, 2007 [+]:.
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:: Sunday, July 08, 2007 ::

We Are All Just Balloons In The Hands Of Children

It is human nature to want to achieve and excel, but it is also known that in desperation human is known to

.:Posted by:me :: Sunday, July 08, 2007 [+]:.
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:: Sunday, May 13, 2007 ::

"The End, The Start, Where Did Things Go Apart?"

Well its almost the end for me here. And i must say its never been more of a stressful time to figure so many details with such compressed time. I find it to me more true with each event, that time is no where as constant as we'd like it to be. I myself have somehow thou found that it can work in your favor. Though i'm not entirely sure how it works but it seems to. But with the idea that i have, i feel as though i make up for what i lack. Time seems to manage to make you pay your debts. And you might be thinking what am i talking about and in what sense. Well its just something i can only explain in person. Anyways, its down to the final moments and i'm still up in the air about subjects. What to do? I think not only has time caught up with me but also events. As some may call karma. But how does karma exist for those who can dream the future on occasion. I am rather tired of dreaming and of being awake. The world only holds resistance for me. When will i stop...

.:Posted by:me :: Sunday, May 13, 2007 [+]:.
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:: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 ::

The Cold, The Wind, We'll Eventually Go Weak To Its Strength

" Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one "
-Coldplay-Square One

As as the title says its supposed to be spring and lively, and yet somehow the winds and rain keep pouring down on us. Unfortunately for myself its a bitch with some joint issues. Although the sunny side of that is i have finally started working and i love the feeling of being needed and useful. I'm not exactly sure why but somehow i am just very prideful in having my name and label left over the worlds surface. Its nothing extravagant or earth changing but i guess one persons sandwich is another happy person. As the movie says "Pay It Forward." Although that seems to be going well i my health seems to be driven into the floor. I'm not exactly sure what is going on but i'm getting tired of feeling like i've been beaten with a bat to my knees and back, and sore lungs. I'll spare symptoms since i am not dying. Life's just a little hectic, trying to catch myself before i get blown away. It does get hard to hold onto the reality of lifes difficulty when you've been used to living easily. And i've given so much thought to just stopping and letting go. Sometimes it just seems that the people who aren't killing themselves for a reasonable future are the happiest. Would i be..? I'd always wonder what could've been. I guess vacations never feel like vacations, just anticipation for the next long haul. And i'm getting tired of pulling. Thanks for reading to anyone out there. Later.

.:Posted by:me :: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 [+]:.
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:: Monday, May 01, 2006 ::

The Heartship & Clear Skies,Calm Waters & Lessened Fights


I'd say the title above is one of my most creative ones. Though i yes i am aware of some miss spelling but it has its reasons. The answers are always between held breaths rather than whats been read. So UCD has gotten pretty busy, and i'm trying to stay on top of the work. I'm doing ok with that aspect but its still pretty hard. As for social status, well, my friends here are quite a family. Things have been pretty good in relation to friends and just having some free time to hang out & have fun. Though i can't wait for the summer. It'll be interesting to see a lot of faces left behind but i'll be keeping up with what i've established here over the summer. Plus leaving this year behind of UCD '05 will be hard since everyones lives will be changing next year with new housing and moving out of the dorms and into real bill paying lives. Well its not quite over yet but i'll be taking in as much as i can while i am here. Because once its over, its time to go back to the OC and get a job. Not that i don't want to be there because i most certainly cannot wait to get back. But its going to be hard going back to a life where everyone has changed over the year that you've been gone for instead of spending it with the people you've been changing with. Well can't wait OC. See you June 15/16!

Two sides twist and then collide
You're calling off the guards, I'm coming through (Am I coming through..)
Adulteress conditioned to a spin cycled submission
"You know sometimes it just feels better to give in"
(Sometimes it just feels better to give in)

And it's all too familiar and it happens all the time.
All the cards begin to stack up,
Twisting heartache into fine little pieces that avoid an awful crime
But it's you I can't deny.

Dull heat rises from the sheets,
I'm both a patient boy... (well) and a jealous man
(Am I coming...)
But double standardarized suspicion is remedied,
Oh My Blue Heaven
"Sometimes it just feels better to give in..."
(Sometimes it just feels better to give in)

And it's all too familiar and it happens all the time.
All the cards begin to stack up,
Twisting heartache into fine little pieces that avoid an awful crime
But it's you I can't deny.

We swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in my head starts to sing,
"You're safe, child, you are safe"
(You're safe, child, you are safe)
You're safe, child, you are safe.

We swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in my head starts to sing,
"You're safe, child, you are safe"
You're safe, child, you are..

Safe.. (Safe).. (Safe)... You are safe..
We swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in my head starts to sing
"You're safe, child, you are safe"
(Am I.. coming through)

Is this all too familiar? Does it happen all the time?
I'm just asking you to hear me;
Could you please just once just hear me?
More than anything, you wanted to be right
Still it's you, you, it's you I can't deny..
(You I can't deny)
It's you I can't deny.
~Taking Back Sunday-My Blue Heaven

.:Posted by:me :: Monday, May 01, 2006 [+]:.
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